Moving to a care home

My mum had her stroke in October 2022. She was in hospital for almost 3 months and she’s been in a rehab unit for just over a month. Today they told us that they don’t think she will make any more major improvements. Her right side is more or less completely paralysed and she has to be hoisted from bed to chair.

They’ve said that it would be incredibly difficult for her to move back home and we had to explain to her that going to a nursing home is the most sensible option. When we told her, she asked us how long it would be for, not realising that we meant forever.

It’s breaking my heart how sad she is about it. Mentally she is a bit affected but she is still herself and she’s completely aware of what is going on and what she’s going through and she can talk about it. She is 77 but before this she was completely healthy and living totally independently, so it’s just so sudden. She ate healthily, was active, gave up smoking 50 years ago, no high cholesterol or blood pressure, no heart irregularities. No one knows why she had the stroke, it just happened. My Dad died in 2021 and that was sad and I miss him, but this is so so much harder.

I keep thinking maybe if I’d just tried more over the past few months she would have recovered more. Me and my brothers have visited every day but perhaps I could have started taking food in sooner, or been more encouraging or gotten her more motivated somehow. Perhaps I should have asked them to give her a bit more time. I just don’t know how to get through this. I’m so sad.


@triangledictionary hi, I’m so sorry for you and your family, your mum will be a bit confused about it too. I really don’t know what to say.

She will have round the clock care and people around her. You can visit as much as you can. You might even get her to improve a bit more in her recovery. 77 is still very young.

Don’t blame yourself these things happen to us all the time, you’re grieving your dad and now this has happened to your mum it’s like double grief. Please be strong and stay positive. I’m thinking of you and send all my best wishes and positivity to you. Kindest regards Loraine and a giant hug :hugs:


Please don’t blame yourself, these things happen and its not your fault. She will be better in a home, where she will get around the clock help and you will be able to see her whenever you want to and will be safe in the knowledge she is being looked after. Perhaps don’t tell her it will be permanent, just for her recovery, that might help. Please don’t be sad, you are doing the best you can do for her.
Sending lots of love to yo all.

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@triangledictionary this is so hard for you but please don’t ever blame yourself. I am sure yoy have done as much as possible for your mum. Sadly some people find themselves in a piaition where full time care is the best option.

As difficult as it is remember this will give you an opportunity to spend quality time with your mum, know that she is receiving the care she needs around the clock & you will be fresh enough to enjoy the time with her rather than being so frazzled you just want to sleep.

Sending love & hugs.


@triangledictionary so sorry to hear about your Mum. Having been through something similar with my late husband I can empathise. What you are feeling emotionally is perfectly normal. 2 1/2 years later I still feel that way but there is nothing you could have done more. Do you research as to whether your Mother needs a nursing home or care home. Also check they have a hoist and a tip/tilt chair to get her in and out of bed. Many don’t and leave it to the family to provide one. Also ask what services she can still access like physiotherapy. Again you may have to pay but they should be to give the home and you exercises to do with your Mum with her being in bed most of the time. It’s difficult because without being in the home with them for long periods you cannot gage what the care will be like. Hospitals are keen to discharge patients quickly as they need the beds and say the homes have 24/7 care but this does differ greatly. Local recommendations from people you know may help with this. Wishing you, your family and your Mum all the best. Marie x

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@triangledictionary it’s a sad situation to be in. We think of our parents being strong, independent and nurturing and it comes as shock when they begin to have health issues that rob them of being the people they were to us growing up.

There are some good care/nursing homes around where she will have 24 hour care, lots have activities for the residents to join in and communal areas for them to socialise and make new friends, which may be emotionally better for her than sitting alone waiting for carers to come in on their flying visits tend to her (in between visits from family) in her own home.

Stroke strikes without discrimination, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Best wishes