Love in the time of covid (and a stroke) part 2

Greeting everyone:

I know I submitted a topic here months ago asking for advice in relation to my predicament concerning my fiancee. I was informed that while I have endeavored to keep up contact with her, send her gifts in the mail for her birthday, etc and show what support I can by living several states away, I was informed she’s asking for advice from people regarding dating sites…

For those that have had to do it, what’s it like for someone who is recovering from a stroke to get out on the dating scene for the first time? It’s obviously a bit of a punch in the gut because I always thought she would come around but perhaps her intention to get on dating sites should be an obvious indicative factor one cannot simply ignore.

The good thing is, I was able to save her life and when she had her stroke, I got to her place in the nick of time to call the paramedics so that she received adequate care in the appropriate period of time, or so I was told. I just don’t know why she decided to leave and go back home with her parents out of nowhere. This is rather difficult to post but I thought I would submit it and see if anyone had any thoughts on the matter.

Hi @TheMaestro it’s difficult for you to love someone who doesn’t return the same feelings however it sounds as though you are beginning to accept you won’t be together.

I’ve never been on a dating site, so have no personal experience to offer, I just wanted to reach out to you. Try to move forward yourself and open your heart to the possibility of finding another to share your life with.

Wishing you all the best, take care

Mahoney,
Thank you for your response. I was the one that found her after her stroke and I went every single day to see her and talk to the doctors when she was at the emergency room, ICU, and everyday when she was at the long term care facility. I went everyday to see her and even had Thanksgiving with her (I was the only one) at the long term care facility. She was the first girl I have an engagement ring to.
Its just rather hard to believe that after all this, its like it never even existed. I don’t know whether this is another odd behavior due to the stroke…I am not sure but @Mahoney…thank you for your response, your impeccable insight and advice is appreciated and duly noted

@TheMaestro you did everything you could do, you were there for her during a terrible ordeal, you have nothing to reproach yourself for, you were a caring, loving person and fiancé .

It’s a sad fact that stroke can change a person’s personality, thought processes and perspective. If she has moved on and is looking to date others, you have to find a way forward yourself.

Big hugs :hugs::hugs:

@Mahoney,

Thank you once again for your kind and prompt response. We’ll see what happens…“time heals all wounds” as they say. I even wrote of piece of music for this girl. I did absolutely everything in hopes that in time I was hoping and praying she’d come around but if dating others is what she’d prefer to do, I cannot argue with that living several states away. I wish her the very absolute best. Thank you, once again

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Hi Maestro, You did a good thing for someone you loved.She is unable to accept the enormity of what you did for her but that doesn’t take away from what you did. Who knows what went on in her head, maybe still is! I hope the hurt lessens over time, but remember you a good thing, Moira

Moira,

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your kind thoughts and words. Just to clarify, what do you mean by “maybe still is” ? Once again, I really appreciate your kind words. I did everything I honestly could for her and thought she’d come around. I just wish there was some explanation for this but we’ll see what happens…

As previously stated, I was the one who found her after the stroke and called the paramedics. I drove to the emergency room after this event took place. Afterwards, I went to the emergency room everyday and when she was transferred to the long term care facility, I was there everyday, visiting her and at times helping the therapists. I was even able to get us a house near the beach while she was recovering in the long term care facility. After all this, I just wonder because it seems like she remembers none of this, nor does it seem she really appreciates what I have done and I am wondering whether this is a possible side effect of the stroke? And for her to just out of nowhere call it quits and months later be on online dating is just…I wasn’t sure whether coming here anyone would have insight as to whether this is something due to the stroke or not and whether any of this has potential to come back? All thoughts are welcomed and I will endeavor to respond as quickly as humanly possible. Thank you.

Hi Maestro.
She has gone. I know it is hard to accept, but it happens to many many people, hit by stroke or not everyday. You would be better to accept it and start looking on dating sites yourself. If you dont, you will find the years drifting away in self pity.

I am now nearly 7 years post stroke and it is very difficult to date again. Ive been on the dating site so long that nobody ever looks at my profile or sends messages. I took the honest option and put my disability out there and once that word is mentioned its the end. I have had dates and met some lovely ladies, but nothing lasting.

For your own benefit, try and fill the void she has left in your life. You are obviously a hugely caring and compassionate person and have much to offer. It will be easier for you to date than her, but that is her choice now. Do not screw up the rest of your life becoming besotted with someone that does not feel the same. Im sure she does appreciate everything you have done for her and maybe eventually she will tell you so herself.
Be kind to yourself and start looking to the future, not the past.

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@Huntspete:
Thank you for your message and the very wise input you have provided. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

I am sorry to read of your own experience post stroke in the dating field. People can be very shallow. Wish you better luck in that endeavor.

I will endeavor to do my utmost and utilize the wisdom you have so kindly and generously provided. Thank you once again.

If she has the same trouble with dating as described in your post, what are the chances she may return?

I have no idea, I think womens experience is completely different to mens and the women have no problem getting dates, but that really doesnt mean they will be successful.

But do not think about what she is doing or who she might be dating. Go out and do the same yourself. No matter how highly you regard her, there is someone out there who will appreciate who YOU are.

Maybe, if you became attached, she might become jealous if she were to find out, but by that time you may be even happier with a new partner. No one can tell you she is ‘coming back’ , which I know is what you want to hear, so as hard as it is and for your own sanity, move forward and do not look back. You have qualities which a lot of people would appreciate in a partner. Just as a side note, if and when you do start dating, do not make the mistake of telling the new person all about your current heartache, it is not attractive to other women and they are not interested. I know this all sounds harsh and I dont know your age. I was just 52 when stroke attacked me and will be 60 next birthday and realise Im just an old fool stuck in his ways with my life circle getting smaller and smaller.

Go grab what is ahead of you rather than grasping at what you have lost.

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@Huntspete
You have my empathy in regards to your predicament. In past messages, you have mentioned how you mention the issue concerning disability and dating and how it immediately turns people away. Furthermore, you mention how your life circle getting smaller and smaller.

I knew my fiancé at a time when, while she obviously like all of us had her faults, she was (and while I might be naive I still think she is) a unique, thoughtful, considerate, smart, and beautiful human being. Something special.

I knew her as something unique and a type of person where there is no perfect sentence, phrase, or group of words which can adequately express what she is. I know this all sounds like I have put her on a pedestal. If she has troubles and issues similar to the ones you have indicated in your prior message, while fortune would not favor anything particular in my own present outcome, I would and will likely still be there for her as a means of support. Something to possibly provide her inspiration, motivation, and determination to persevere when seeing the dark side of human nature or when her own social circle may decrease for what could be a plethora of reasons. The terms may not come out to my favor wherein she would be my fiancé and hopeful wife, but I could still be there to provide the support she needs in her own hour of darkness.

But you are putting all of your eggs in her basket and all I can see is more and harder heartache for you.
Who knows, she may come back, but if you want my honesty, she isnt.

My story (and its far more detailed than I have put on the public forum) is that you are just wasting precious time. No one will thank you for holding her in such high regard.
You can disregard my words and continue, but from many years experience, the only one to suffer will be you.
I have made my peace with the mother of my children and we are good friends now, but she has moved on and got married and I respect her decisions. I am now free to explore, but from the point of view of a stroke survivor, everything is 100 times harder. Maybe Im just better off alone.

How old are you my friend ?

Sir,

first, to answer your inquiry, I am currently 37. She was 41 at the time of her stroke and is currently 42

Thank you once again for your insight and advice. I do appreciate the time you have taken to write the messages in order to express and provide your experience and advice. I really do.

I have been with her since this stroke happened. She left only 3 months ago. I spent the year with her she was recovering from the stroke.

I understand where you are coming from with the advice that its best to move on. I have not divulged all information in relation to my fiancé’s stroke, especially that of personal family matters, out of her own privacy, etc. I am aware that having the slightest bit of hope that she may return makes me appear naïve, stupid, and ignorant of reality and human nature.

I understand she’s more than likely not coming back. But, while I may be considered naïve, stupid, and ignorant, I will continue to hope, pray and balance this hope while continuing to move forward as advised so as to not wallow in self-pity.

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I wonder @Loshy thinks of all this. I remember she provided excellent thoughts and insight into these issues . A true stroke of impeccable genius

Hi, I followed your postings on your situation, I had a minor stroke some years ago, and have gone through a similar scenario as you.
You seem to be looking for answers on here that will agree with you continuing making contact with her, also that all you did for her does not appear to be enough to convince her you should be together.
In fairness you need to put it behind you and move on, you will meet someone else and you will look after them in the same way, for that is in your nature.
It’s admirable that you are a person that gives. But the act of giving is not part of a binding contract, it is a way of showing our love for someone.
Relationships are not based on just how much we do for each other.
I wish you well and be assured you will meet someone in the future.

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@Maxpower
First, thank you for providing your insight into this matter that I have come to this forum to receive guidance and feedback for. I appreciate the time you have taken to provide me you thoughts and views on. I really do appreciate it. Many have told me that I need to just move on, forget about her and relegate it all to the past. That may be what happens down the road. While this all may seem like I m at these forums looking for people to tell me what I would like to hear, I’ll reiterate that her decision to split came from out of nowhere. The decision to split coming from out of nowhere and her inability to provide me reasons for this seems to fit certain criteria I have read about on these forums involving strokes-others have referenced impulsive decisions not grounded on logical reasoning. I do not claim to be a superior intelligent being but I’m not dense enough to where if she was really unhappy in the relationship, I missed the signs and signals that she was unhappy. Nothing was ever noticeable.
I know what seems to be putting my life on hold does not appear wise. There’s just a plethora of other things one is doing to where dating again is NOT a high priority. I’m 37 so, please correct me if I am wrong but I think I’m too old to be in the dating game to be honest.
On a lighter note, I have read stories where sometimes the stroke survivor does come around but it takes time. I understand these stories are rare and it likely does not happen. The facts likely indicate that it may be best to move on but on the other hand, don’t lose hope so fast.