Feeling so guilty?

It's been some time since I've posted on here . 

My poor mum had a stroke October 1st, from day one I was told by the stroke team my mum would be a invalid, mum's left side is completely dead she's Incontinent no sitting balance  and severe cognitive impairment and functional impairment, mum has  severe memory loss both for short term and long term , but mum can be very lucid which makes it all so complicated. 

All in all its awful I honestly feel I'm in a black hole .

After 5 months in 3 different hospitals mum is in a care nursing home which is general and EMI. 

Mum has been there since March and is on memory lane unit and all she wants to do is come home , I feel so awful I know this will never happen although I have looked into all the options.  

My mother is in total denial of her left side she is convi

nced she's walking driving taking care of personal care and is convinced all our dead family members are alive , which kills me when she's asking if I've seen my brother and stepfather.  

Mum is also fixating on certain staff and it's not nice what she saying I realise some of these elaborate stories aren't real but to mum they are .

My relationship with my has always been close and I'm missing my mum so much mum is 77 and I'm so angry this has happened and she's in a nursing home.

My mum is now demanding me to collect her and drive her home which I've obviously managed this with excuses why I can't do it  , on two occasions my mother has told me that I put her in there and this really hurt me because this is the last place I want her , sadly I lost it and told her I hadn't it was her stroke and social services, as mum has Dols in place , I was so honest with mum telling her she couldn't walk her left side was dead , my mother told me she wouldn't bother me again and hung up .

I felt awful I did this but the guilt the lies I have felt my health is suffering with the pressure's, hospitals, social workers health board MDT meeting care home mangers solicitors Court of Protection, I feel like I can't breathe.  

Looking at my mother lying in a bed in nappies is heartbreaking having to go along with all mum's stories it's killing me , I'm so frightened when I phone her wondering which mum I'm getting and my visits  .

After our phone row my mum phoned back 10 min later to  apologise, and she said the home are trying to brain wash me that she can walk cook and clean ghst they are keeping her there against her human rights and she needed to get out , my harsh words of the truth made no difference.  

I have asked for the mental health doctor to visit, my poor mum is tortured in her brain and trapped in her body. 

I'm at my witts end and I don't honestly know what to do. 

 

I am so so sorry to hear of all this you are having to go through. Sometimes people forget, it's just not the people who are ill and suffering, it is their carers and family who care that sometimes go through the worst of it, as you are doing at the moment. I don't know what advice to give you, other than there is nothing more you can do. Please try not to feel guilty, as you have done your best for your Mum, and she at least is in the right place to keep her safe, even though she hates it there. You must start thinking of yourself now and take care of you........you will be no use to anyone if you "crack" Please try to stay positive and remember the good days you had with your Mum, not these awful ones. She is not the Mum you once new anymore and you have to try to accept that and remember it is all the fault of the stroke and not anything you have done. Please, please try and keep positive and post anytime you are feeling at your wits end. Thinking of you.

Jane.

Thank you jane ,

I'm really trying to do that but I feel so consumed with mum she's kn my head 24 / 7 , we have both been through such a lot of good and bad and this like I told mum is out of our control.

I suppose it's very early days and I need more time to adjust.  

I find playing all the different roles challenging depending on where mums mind is its so draining, I feel like I'm lying  to her all the time but alls I'm doing is trying to protect her.

This is like a living nightmare.  

But thank you  for your message xx

Morning ,I know exactly where your coming from ,my dad had a stroke ,but few years later mum passed away suddenly so myself and brother looked after dad but after 18 months he had to go into a home for his own safety ,it broke my heart too as he didn't want to go ,he kept saying he was ok ,but he wasn't he had dementia early stages but soon progressed I used to worry about him like yourself 24/7 the home were always ringing me because dad wanted me ,anyway how I got to grips with it a bit was I used to take all family photo albums in and just sit with him all day had lunch with him took cakes in put a kettle in there took furniture from his house and made the room like the front room of the family home ,it helped  a bit but then he used to do the same say that mum is at work she will be home soon ,u tryed telling dad she had passed but the brain was so messed up ,I got a white board and wrote on it daily well every other day because I did 13 hour days at work so I could be with dad every other day ,but I really get your pain, just be there when you can and most of what your mum is saying isn't her ,and the outbursts  are normal ,as hurtful as they are try and concentrate and live in the good memories and if you have to agree with things you don't agree with that's normal too ,we just wanted to protect dad who was my superman,so how your feeling with your mum is very very hard but normal x

 

Dear Deane

You are doing your best, and then a bit more. Sometimes it is easier all round if you agree with Mum, try to select the harmless bits and agree. My Mum was frightened because she saw boys sitting on her wall. I told her that she could see them but I could not and that was OK. After all, who can say what Mum knows ? I encouraged her to tell me all  about these boys and I was given a very good idea of life just after the first world war.

You have to be an expert on how to agree without undermining the staff and other patients.

I do hope you can keep some of your time for you. I got so exhausted that, some of the tiem. I couldnt really function.

Best wishes

Colin

 

Hiya pippy.

I'm sorry for what happened to your family your dad has a great family support.  

Sadly covid really messed things up for a placement mum needed general nursing aswell as Emi so mums care home is roughly 1 hour and 30 min in the summer months and 1hr 15 min in the winter so that's 3 hrs travel I'm allowed 1 hr with mjm and she's not so good on the phone  the weight of the phone  and concentrating she finds difficult.  

The home furniture I did and she was livid and slowly we have removed it , photos mum gas never been one for pictures she used to joke about mine , we have put a book together but again it's something she doesn't bother with . 

Tonight I had a long conversation with her new GP and he has referred mum to be seen by the sychiatrist this I am pleased with because I have been concerned with mum mental wellbeing, he is wondering if its Vascular dementia.  

He also told me he feels mum is in the right place and sadly he feels mums beyond any improvement physically and mentally.  

Mum is only 77 it's so sad x

 

Hi yes it's so sad,but looks like the new gp is trying to get things sorted ,are there no places nearer to you,you will find strength you never imagined you had ,hope all goes well for your family ..pippy 

Sorry forward about your news. While there is little I can say expect my prayers are with you all the best des

Morning, 

Mums care package is massive and locally I was getting negative responses plus some homes had closed due to covid .

Mum also needs Emi and general.

mum sufferd from the journey and she has got to know the staff so I wouldn't want mum to move again. 

Thank you for your message xx 

Thank you x

Morning Colin 

Thank you for your message. 

I do go along with mum but mum has accused me of putting her in the home and  on the second occasion I'm afraid I didn't go along with her and I told her some truths about her stroke and social services ect which was a waste of breath because 10 min later mum was apologising but saying the manager of the home is trying to brain wash me and tell me she can't walk and drive and do personal care ? bless my poor mum mums brain is like a filing cabinet and all the files are jumbled.  

I will go along with mum so long as its safe to do so . 

Strokes are so cruel I'm so angry and sad my mother went to bed 29th September 2020 fairly healthy and independent lady and now she's bedridden no sitting balance doubly Incontinent and brain damaged and I'm sure her sight in her left eye has gone which mum is masking because she's frightened they will take her driving licence away.  

I'm sorry for ranting I can't stand seeing my poor mum like this and miss her so much x

Morning I understand and I wish you the very best on your journey with your mum,and if you only take one positive out of each day you share with her ,hold it close and cherish it xx

Thank you xx 

Your welcome ,I really feel the pain your going through ,xx