I’m 42 with 3 children and almost 3 weeks ago i had a stroke after having a TIA around a year and a half ago.
The doctors in hospital did all the tests and scans and said i had a right sided stroke. For some reason I’ve been in complete denial since and keep thinking they made a mistake or maybe I misunderstood and havent really had a stroke. I know this is crazy but I even asked the stroke nurse to double check and she said i have definitely had one.
I have left sided weakness, my leg is in constant pain and my arm joins in now and again and I’ve been struggling with grip. I’ve been getting frustrated with forgetting things and wrongly pronouncing words ect . My problem is that i can’t quite except what’s happened and I keep trying to do my normal things at home and act like nothings happened because I feel guilty ans lazy not doing anything. Because of this I feel as though my symptoms are getting worse as I’m trying to push too hard and my emotions are all over the place.
Has anyone else ever felt like this or am I going crazy?
Hello @claire82. Welcome and I am glad you have found this safe and helpful place and sorry you find yourself here. Acceptance of what has happened is the first stage of moving forwards and dealing with the grief of what has changed. It is hard. Every one of us stroke survivors goes through what you are experiencing.
Is it possible to explore counselling through your GP or the stroke association?
Keep talking and come back to the forum if you need to, best wishes, Julia x
Both you and family are now stroke warriors. That means your stroke affects everybody. One of the most important adjustments to make now is for them and to you to understand the tremendous energy it takes to heal and you shouldn’t be spending that on a ephemeral things that other people can do.
You’ve got a long road with many victories to celebrate and many bumps. I’m sure the others will chip-in and add good insights .
What your feeling is your own unique subset of all the common possible emotions, physical aftershocks, consequential changes and much more
If you stick around here you’ll find your journey is well supported.
I’ll reiterate one thing you have to stop feeling guilty stop trying to do stuff - the rest of the family has to do it - your precious reduced supply of energy has to go on healing. And I’ll add one other thing - It’s good that you keep trying if that means pushing your affected side to work - don’t push it too hard but don’t allow it to learn that it’s no longer called upon. It may be months, many months perhaps before it starts to respond but that is where your spare efforts should be If you got any left after just eating sleeping washing sitting
Welcome @claire82 hope you can find some useful advice & support on the forum as the rest of us have.
I was the same as you at the start. I didn’t believe the drs either - after all i had walked into the hospital & at 49 I couldn’t possibly have had a stroke at the fittest time of my life could I . How wrong was I. Took me a couple of months to really believe it despite having left sided weakness, fatigue, vision issues etc etc.
Acceptance is key to moving forward. Don’t feel guilty for resting it is very important right now. You need to give your brain time to do its healing work. Pacing is important & letting others help you too. Find the balance between activity & rest & build on it slowly.
Shwmae @claire82, it’s only been three weeks since being struck, I would advise slowing right down and letting your brain do some self-repair. I made the mistake of pushing hard, during the early days of post stroke, and I believe I suffered for it down the track. Avoid the boom-bust cycle where you exhaust yourself and your brain, it can’t do it’s repair job if it’s knackered. I hope that this forum will help you unravel some of that craziness, and help you get on a steadier path to rebuilding your life. Croeso.
It’s very normal for those around you to fail to grasp the meaning of the word stroke, and all the problems that it potentially comes with. My Italian parents-in-law haven’t got a clue, and in Italian a stroke is called ictus. A serious stroke is horrific, and I would not want the average person to ever know the meaning.
My theory on being in denial ; after 11 months I think I still am too, to a degree. The reason is complex. It may be we accept our stroke only partly ; this, I believe, is our mental defence mechanism looking after us. If you allowed the full realization to hit you it would be overwhelming. We are better off accepting small steps at a time.
I haven’t written my story, but I will in due course,my stroke was 3 months ago, I live on my own with 2 small dogs, I WAS living the dream, semi retired, independent and happy…every day is now a weird challenge and I totally get the need to rest but in my situ it’s so hard…house, garden etc in uproar…ah well…
I’m gaining insight by reading other people’s stories…I must write my own but need to gather the strength…
Thanks for reading.
Petrina
@claire82 This is a good place to be, and welcome. This site is indeed a valuable place for empathy, support and education on stroke rehab, and friendly folk. I felt the same as you and thought “this can’t be”. Acceptance is hard, but in time you’ll gain much interest in various ways to improve and it becomes a mission. Go easy on your affected side but keep it moving and practice functional activities and build up strength. Your emotions are probably all over the place now. The more you read about the various experiences of our members, the more you will not feel alone in your situation.
GodBless and prayers for you.
Derek
I’m sure we all like to see some pictures of your wee small dogs :). What breeds are they?
Yes you’re going to have to adjust to the idea that uproar has to be allowed to be left so that the energy You have is spent on the priorities like for yourself and your dogs
We look forward to reading your story. In the meantime have expect you’ve observed that there is a lot of support here and more reading you do the more you realise that most of what your face is new not unique
Ciao
Simon
Hi Claire and welcome to the forum, sorry you had to join us but you couldn’t be in better hands for advice going forward
I don’t want to bore you by repeating what the others have already said and the link Simon has given is a good place to start for understanding what’s happening to you.
Children are resilient and will easily adapt, and far quicker than you will no doubt! But I know what you’re saying as worry and guilt are every mothers middle names
As Simon said, you don’t want to push too hard as you are going to frequent periods of rest throughout the day. One way to achieve this might be getting the children to help you maybe by finishing a task you started while you take a 15min break. It’s all good learning for them anyway, in preparation for independence in adulthood. It’s all stuff they are going to need to know, and they’re learning more about caring and compassion for others. I don’t know what ages your children are but if you take the time to get the balance right, no one need feel any pressure or feel neglected; and you shouldn’t feel so guilty. Work with each other, keep the atmosphere light, no need for anger or to stress each other out. Let them help you to help yourself and hopefully it’ll get easier as you all find your new rhythm. And don’t forget we are always here for advice and support, it’s a good place to just offload and destress when you to as we all understand.
Hi Trina, just wanted to welcome you to the forum.
I don’t know what it costs, but if you can afford it, it could be good to hire yourself a gardening and cleaning service.
My mother-in-law has a gardening service to do the basics/heavy duty stuff and then she can just potter around as and when. I think he comes once every 6wks or so, less in the winter months. You could do the same with a cleaner to do the basics once a week maybe…if you can afford it
Hi @Trina - just to echo what @EmeraldEyes said about getting help with things. You might want to contact Citizens Advice who can look at whether you’d be entitled to claim any benefits. If you search on citizensadvice.org.uk you will see a section where you can identify your local branch by putting in your postcode.
I’m still doing my own thing from home…much much reduced but see what happens, I’ve got support through our local stroke people…it’s the total lack of energy & motivation that I’m really struggling with…sometimes ( alright always…) it’s so hard to even pick up the phone isn’t it
I will contact citizens advice too so thank you for that and for being InTouch, its so positive for me to be in this space
With regards
Petrina
Thank you, yes, I had a chap come in and do some strimming for me…was amazing and I’m saving up for another visit… It’s sad for me in many ways as my garden has always been my salvation… I’ll get there and ofcourse rewilding is fantastic…the bees are very happy🐝
I have 2 sausage dogs, Dottie & Leah…they have forced me out and seem to sense that I’m still me just a bit different…I am discovering new places where I can just let them run without being on leads, this week was the first time since my ‘happening’ that I have walked them to the village green…we got very tangled but made it unscathed
I live in an old farm building that is reverting to type😂
When you are ready, please do share your stories. I don’t know that I have ever been in denial that I have had strokes, but I certainly have denied my inability to do things I should not be doing. I truly thought I would get home and straight back to the way things were…work, home maintenance, yard maintenance, driving, housekeeping, laundry, shopping, etc… When I realized I would not be back at work for awhile, I decided to do some major DIY projects at my home that I didn’t have time for before. LOL. I am still sitting here, looking at the mess I have made with that! Women, most especially mothers, have clean house, nice garden, sweet personality and taking care of everything and everyone, highly associated with their character. Although when we are well it is often overwhelming, that is nothing compared to the sheer overpowering anxiety it causes to be unable to complete the tasks we have set out for ourselves. Pick the most important few and work on those first. And for heavens sake, please practice what I preach better than I have been able to: accept and allow others to help! We truly need it, others truly want to help. you would do the same for them, and they will feel good they were able to help.
I have felt exactly as you described…guilty…but also irresponsible, unreliable, then a burden, then worthless. …Don’t allow it to go that far! You are none of those things, it won’t help you personally, and it won’t help those around you. Stroke messes with us physically, but it also messes with our personality…mentally and emotionally. I ended up with an anti-anxiety/depression medication and also struggle with some anger, impatience, melancholy I don’t recognize as the me I know. Please get the rest you need and do your best to let those closest to you know of your struggles and how they can help you through them. You will do your best to get well for yourself and for them as well. Wishing you both only the best.
I am just on the forum for the first time, 6 weeks post stroke having exactly the same experience. I have been thinking I’m completely fine other than tiredness and short term memory and over the last few days have found I can’t process information and my dexterity has declined but it all feels like it’s just happening now. I feel overwhelmed and reading this has really resonated with me, I’ve read the helpful what I wish I knew bit, so so helpful. I don’t understand why the hospital doesn’t even mention the effects and impact, it’s so frightening and I feel like I’m getting slower.
@Sass
I feel exactly the same…
I feel as though all my strength has gone and even something so simple like chopping an onion has become difficult… but not everyday…That’s just one example .
What’s fantastic about this space is no longer feeling so alone with it all…
It’s like regression comes out of nowhere…
But we got to keep on keeping on… yesterday I did some life admin on my lap top that had seen better days before my stroke and I completed some tasks that the day before were totally beyond me…felt like I’d climbed a mountain !!..felt good…
Also there are the hints of some silver linings to this cloud -? - there are a few threads here about the value of pets. They do have a sense. As emerald said a of children adapting fast your dogs are very likely to be a comforting aid to
For many of us a stroke is the long road to a new destination not a short detour from the road we were on. That’s not universal but it’s normal. It probably deserves some discussion when you’re strong enough.
Yes picking the phone up is a effort (actually I have mine in a cradle and use voice dictation - via gboard -) It’s not unusual for a 10-minute shower to require a 30-minutes bed rest!
Probably a bit early to suggest it at the moment but around 3 or 4 or 5 months If it still has debilitating you might make a diary of nutrition mood sleep excitements and fatigue impacts and then look for a pattern over the proceeding day or three or five
Thank you all for your replies. It’s so good to know that I’m not alone and its ok to feel this way.
I think I was pushing myself too hard and i definitely felt far worse this last week than I have beforehand, I think I’ve been pushing too hard to try and prove to myself that I’m fine.
It’s been hard to try and slow down as I’m my young adults son main carer as he’s disabled and i have a 3 year old. My other son has just moved out to start uni. I have always hated asking for help as im always that person who thinks they can do everything x
