Oh @Mahoney and @Rups - thanks. Your posts have not just lifted me up. They express so well the issues, the feelings, the struggles, the hope. I have shared, copied, and raved about them, and would tattoo them on me somewhere if the doctors let me. (They have warned me that with my various issues, tattooing is out!) In particular your post @Rups “…stroke (is) …a rather odd injury in that it is the very seat of consciousness that has been obstructed, and we must use the tool that is broken to fix the tool that is broken. Not with another broken tool, but with the same broken tool.” And yours @Mahoney: “I’m a work in progress”.
The thing about stroke is exactly that, @Rups. I think I’m doing well, but even “doing well” is seen through a stroke hit brain, and others disagree.
I have upset my children by getting angry or frustrated. My wife is finding it all so hard. There was a point I thought I’d lose the family. I hope that I won’t. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, I was just frustrated with how I felt that I was being treated. It’s hard to work out what is happening because of the strokes and their impact (no driving, no cycling, poor memory, headaches, fits) and what is because of life (a sudden retirement, my wife’s retirement [both a bit sooner than we wanted], children growing up, a move to a smaller home that has left us homeless while builders finish…).
But I’m alive and fit - not the case for others. I got hit by Covid followed by strokes at the start of the epidemic. Doctors wrote an academic paper about the first 10 who had strokes caused by Covid. I was the only one to survive… I should be grateful. But there are days when the loss creeps in through the cracks. I want to close the cracks. But should I?
So what do you do? I always think of a quote from one of Samul Beckett (apt after Ireland’s rugby victory today!). “You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.”.
You go on of course! There isn’t anything else. You have a wife and children who need you to there for them too. Scuba Divers say you dive to your limits, you need to live with your limits, accept them, learn to like who you are if you can’t learn to love him. You need to be more tolerant of yourself and your limitations, slow and steady wins the race. Anger and frustration is your brain just telling you it’s had enough of that and you’re just not listening or paying attention.
Babies get crabby when they’re tired, their brains need sleep to process all that data it’s garnered whilst awake. If a parent ignore a tired baby, all hell breaks loose, don’t you remember So learn to walk away, go do something else or be kind to yourself and take that nap. Concentrate on all that you can do and not what you can’t, because that’ll be what gets you to a better place with your life.
Stay strong and start look for the positives of your future, leave those negatives behind 'cos there’s just no future in them.
Concentrate on all that you can do and not what you can’t…wise words indeed.
We all need goals to aim and strive for .
staying in the present has always helped me in my stroke recovery journey . Not focus on why but what now and what next…
Its Mothers Day today, ive not been able to visit my mums grave post stroke yet because of location and my mobility challenges. But with my amazing wifes help im determined to get there today.
Love and strength to you all today - a difficult day for lots and a day of much celebration for others.
Whatever your day ahead looks like, be sure to make the most of enjoying it xxx
@pmylrea stroke affects everyone, not just the person who had the stroke, they love you which is half the battle, ensure your wife and family take time out for themselves, caring for someone is a difficult task
I can’t say thank you enough to everyone in this thread. The wisdom, the insight, the concern, the understanding…
Another bad evening today despite a lovely Mother’s Day lunch and time with my grandson. Of course, I did not blame myself. It was everyone else! But I have to take responsibility and learn. And I am learning - and with your help and advice, all the better…
And @EmeraldEyes thank you so much. You hit a chord, mentioning diving. I was a divemaster and instructor. I’ve had to give that up, but your comment “dive to your limits” rings so true.
I need to accept my limits, calm myself, listen to the calm voice within that you describe. The definition of frustration is " the feeling of being annoyed or less confident because you cannot achieve what you want". Put like that, and with your advice, I hope I can deal with my anger better. Accept that I can’t achieve what I used to. But cherish what I can achieve and enjoy…
Thank you. To all of you who are mothers, have a happy day. And to all of you who aren’t, have a happy day too…
Hey, it’s diving instructors like you who instilled that philosophy in me when I was learning to dive, know your limits and dive to them, (purely recreational diving). And it’s a philosophy I’ve gone by ever since, I like it and works for me
I always had the greatest admiration for divemasters and instructors because they were always so calm, confident and reassuring even under water
Now you need to be that way for yourself! Be that instructor to you, the novice
I think the degree of post-traumatic stress underlying stroke recovery is perhaps overlooked by many. In my own lay view, it might be because the anterior insular cortex of a non-damaged brain just can’t empathise with the idea of damage to itself. The anterior insular cortex is responsible for empathy. When we see someone fall over and cry, the anterior insular cortex imagines that event being done to itself and elicits an affinity with the suffering of that person. However, I would imagine that for the anterior insular cortex to empathise what damage to itself might feel like is akin to the liar paradox. Similarly, a damaged brain just can’t completely empathise with a non-damaged brain. That’s not to say there is no possible empathy from either side, I just think it is harder for some than for others perhaps. Some people have a more muted anterior insular cortex than others, without adding scrambled wiring to the mix, it doesn’t make for much understanding. That’s why I champion acceptance over understanding.
I have at times thought about what I would do if I was left on my tod. There have been times when I have thought I would be better off that way, unburdening those around me. The continuous struggle to find peace with my predicament as well as get on with life can be an immense strain at times. There have been times I have ranted and stomped my feet like an impertinent child shaking its fist at the universe and humanity, and I feel it is appropriate to remind myself that I have, indeed, a brain injury. In fact, I have brain damage. I have had to spend a lot of time counselling myself.
For my palate life should be a bit sour, a bit sweet, a bit peppery, a bit garlicky, a bit salty, a bit oily, and have a chilli back kick. It’s never bland that way at least.
Ruups, unbeatable! And thanks for the spicy sympathy…And to EmeraldEyes, too. This outpouring of advice, care, insight and warmth is doing more than any drug or tratment could. Gracias!
If it’s helping you to figure out the new version of you and come to terms with your new life then, then keep on popping back. This is a site of inspiration, it encourages to you strive, to not give up on yourself. There’s a lot of insight to be had if you care to look
So learn to walk away, go do something else or be kind to yourself and take that nap. Concentrate on all that you can do and not what you can’t, because that’ll be what gets you to a better place with your life.
