My father had his first stroke in 2016, he was out walking with a friend in Scarborough and after the walk, he collapsed in the bathroom. He was taken to York hospital. At the time I was in Lancaster on holiday, in a blind mind and panic I drove home to Bury, Lancashire, packed a few things and headed off to York…thank chuff for sat nav.
Dad had another stroke two year ago, fell down stairs on a bus (driver failed to notice my father and mother were making their way down stairs) broken collar bone and ribs, not good for a 78 year old. He then fell down stairs at home, more broken ribs and broken arm.
He has changed so much, we understand why, due to brain issues but we as a family are struggling his constant moods, paddies, nasty. It is like he is a child. His right side was affected so he can walk and talk but limited use of right hand.
He is very unstable walking but insists on walking and him being 6 foot 3 and my mother 5 foot, she can not manage him. Sorry for my poor grammar but trying to type what pops up in my mind. He is nice as pie to strangers but very snappy to his family. Last month he had a toe amputated, due arthritis but recovered well. Struggles to walk, not helped by size 11 feet. He can only walk with walking stick in left hand, as right hand not working. He constantly gets cramp in his right leg. I used to be so easy going and so patient but now I find I can not handle seeing him like this, how he treats my mother. I cry but don’t let me mum know, she cries and I don’t know what to say. I try to explain it is because of the stroke. To hear my mother say ‘‘I wish he was dead or me’’ When does it end…
@Kooclaci Hi & welome to the community. Really sorry to hear of your dad’s strokes & falls. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with.
Stroke can affect people’s moods but when you’re on the receiving end of his moods knowing that doesn’t really help. Have you spoken to his GP about how he is? They might be able to offer some advice or help.
Does your dad know how he’s making you & your mum feel? My dad used to get angry with my mum when he was very poorly & my mum used to go back at him accepting that it was the illness not him makjng him like that. Maybe tell him how he’s upsetting you.
Have you made contact with any carer groups in your area? They’ll be full of advice on how they deal with difficult situations. Your GP surgery may well have a carer support session too. It’s really important that you, as carers have time for yourselves too. Try & find ways to do this.
Sending love & best wishes.
I am 70 odd years old and had a stroke two years ago.
Stroke can build walls.
Do you think he could manage a Zoom meeting with others in the same situation?
That can help dealing with these walls.
Sometimes talking and listening with others in the same situation can help to get a different perspective and maybe change things around a little.
He could also engage in a phone call in the same way, the Stroke Association can and do arrange these calls.
Talk to them on
Hi and thanks for your reply.
I will ask my mum to speak to his doctor but not sure what they can do and he won’t take any antidepressant tablets but worth a try. Doctor has never ever given us any info that is available for help, I have had to do all the research, as my parents don’t us the internet.
Often he refuses to eat lunch, if he is in a mood. Getting him in and out of a car is horrible and dangerous…more stuff popping up in my head.
I told him only the other day how it is not just him struggling but he does not care, I told him he would be lost if anything happens to my mother and he just said ‘‘I have enough on my plate’’ arrrrrrrrrrrr
We feel like, as soon as the hospitals have done their bit, push you out into the big bad world and leave you to it.
Hi and thanks for your reply.
He can not use a computer and don’t think he would be up to that but I could ask and set it up for him.
Thanks for sharing the phone helpline.
It is so difficult when things like this happen. I think it is harder for those around them than the individual themselves. I’d try calling the Stroke Association helpline as suggested by @Bobbi they may be able to offer advice that we can’t think of. The GP is definitely worth a try too. If nothing else tgey can record how he is on his records so if they see him about anything else they xan explore that too.
Do you have a follow up with the Stroke Team? If so, mention it there too.
Maybe try some tough love. Walk away when he’s being horrible, leave him to it.
Have you thought about an assessment from adult social services? They might be able to suggest / provide some adaptations that will help with more practical things like getting in / out the car & things around the house.
Sorry if it’s a bit jumbled…my brain is feeling very jumbled today so i’ve typed it as it popped into my head.
Sending my best wishes
I understand how both of you feel. I can see that this would seem as if it was not for him and persuasion isn’t going to make it any more attractive.
But I’d like to point out that some, including myself take part in Zoom meetings as a couple. Both my wife and I get something out of it but sometimes we join together and other times I go alone. There’s no formal way of doing things and groups tend to be caring, sympathetic and sharing.
I have helped one or two who were only willing to give it a go after a try out just on their own. Soon they were finding friends and felt the experience was doing some good.
I hope you and yours find your way to a better experience.