Hello
My names Mark Collins and i am an Alchoholic…
I am so sorry it was the 1st thing i thought of… " i do apologise"
If you laughed i maybe in the right place…
Hello " again "
My name is Markus
(This maybe a long 1)
On 20th December 2020 during lockdown i suffered a mild/minor Stroke I was in the garden talking to a friend in our gazebo when all of a sudden which i can only explain as the most piercing pain i have ever had in my head above my right eye I decided to come in the house and sit on the sofa (felt like knitting needles being twisted through my head). When the pain dulled a little i shouted my wife who was cleaning the bedrooms she shouted " whats wrong and how many beers have u drank " my reply was “none” so i sat back down.
my youngest daughter asked could she have a snack as she wanted go out with her friends and wanted something quick. As i got up i fell to the floor (something wasnt working) i got up and drunk walked into my kitchen I opened the cupboard with my right and went to grab the tin of beans with my left. Well my hand to eye took a day off and i totally missed it by about 8 inches i used my right hand and tin of beans in hand I decided my daughter was better doing the rest and sat down.
My speech cleared up within a couple of days in a manner of speaking but that tin of beans with my left hand baffled me (didnt know i had a stroke so didnt contact gp and thought must be covid) pretty thick eh…! I decided a day later grab a tin of beans. Took the tin out with my right hand and put it on the kitchen surface (easy peasy) picked it up with right hand again and again easy I then went to grab with my left and again missed I tried this for about an hour. Tried right hand picked it up every time tried my left hand and again missed everytime by about 8 inches. For the next month this went on for atleast an hour a day and it got to the point where i am screaming at myself in the kitchen at my left hand " what the f*** you doing this is simple s*** you have done this a thousand times so do what the f****** right hand is doing" then which was like a bolt of lightning my wife said " you may of had a stroke" my answer to that was “dont talk s***” anyway phoned the gp and before i knew it i was lay in an MRI Scanner before i could say boo to a goose.
“Yes i had a stroke” at 47 caused by my genetic heart defect as i have bicuspid aeortic valve and it sent a small blood clot to my brain i am now on medication to hopefully see it doesnt happen again (clopigodrel).
but i won pick up a tin of beans game with my left hand in the end… i still shouted at my left hand alot though and the wife was right… urghhhhh
So 2 years later this is why i am here. This is me now and did the stroke help to do this to me…because i know some parts of me are missing and it scares me i just dont know how much of me it took?
My personality is like a light switch and i can text/say to my wife some nasty things and i mean for no reason at all and then bammmm i am back in the room apologising and reading what i can only say as auto pilot writing i dont even know what i wrote untill i re read it and it shocks me to my core I dont even know where it came from.
i also have problems in remembering the words i want and add words i think are similiar “how wrong can i be” i felt so stupid at times…one i couldnt remember for 6 months heres what i said to explain this 1 word if i was having a conversation i.e… " u know dave who is working in that shop doing oh ummmm ummmm you know what i mean ummmm he does it for free" their reply would be " yeah" the word is Voluntary…oh and spokes… them things that ummmm oh what they called ummmmn they hold a wheel together. This is a daily thing.
I sleep so much it is not fair on my wife i get up at say 2pm and she has been up all day wanting to go shopping on her day of work (social carer) and yet again i slept and by then i feel useless.
I cannot ride my bike anymore because of depth perception i cannot tell the difference between a low curb or high curb. So if i have traffic behind me i like to jump on the path so i look for a low curb and on i go and yes i have got that wrong alot and ended up doing flying lessons. My doctor says that may never come back.
As you may of noticed my filter is a bit touch and go. This is by way no means funny but i did laugh so loud at the time nobody knew where put themselves but this was about me… " i have joined the rowing club " someone said “fantastic hows that going” i said " stroke stroke stroke " and this is what hurts me. People i talk to at parties…then my wife says " think before you open that hole in your face " my answer is always " how can i think when its gone".
Thankyou for reading this and no doubt you seen my ups and downs and 2yrs later to be honest i am struggling on who i have become as i am ruining my relationship and clueless why…?
I wrote this in a text doc 1st so i could re read it i dont even trust myself at times even writing.