I have done something not very wise and wonder if others have experienced something similar or have advice on impulse control. I have always been very frugal, mostly from necessity, but also, I don’t care for waste or excesses. Since my stroke, I have become what I thought was significantly more decisive, where I would normally weigh every decision, now I just directly make one. I thought this was a good thing, but now I am not so certain.
After such a close brush with death, I thought a lot about how I had lived my life so far. I wrote a list of things I wanted to change about me, and of things I wanted for myself. I have always been motivated to be helpful and give care to others. I would never want that to change as it is the biggest part of who I am. However, I did decide I wanted a little something just for me.
My list included: a comfortable bed; room for me to work, rest, heal that held items that were of value to me; to make space for me in our home and to be heard and recognized; and an organized home, as chaos didn’t do much before stroke…afterwards it is impossible.
I bought myself a lovely down mattress pad that is like sleeping on a cloud; a desk and comfortable chair. I bought enough flat pack funishings for storage, to keep Wayfair and Target in business and keep my mind and hands busy with screws and directions. I felt a little selfish, but told myself this is also good for the family.
The problem is that I did not stop at the necessary items, but also purchased decorative items…rugs, plants, knick-knacks…
I also overdid on Christmas presents; spoiling the grandie; going out to dinner with family…Spent money on clothes I have nowhere to wear.
I also find my mind is way less creative than in the past, much more serious.
I haven’t gotten myself into trouble with the spending, but it is ill advised and could have been saved or gone to better uses…except the mattress cover, desk and chair. I can’t apologize for those.
I wonder if this personality change is permanent, and if it is actually a blessing in disguise. Perhaps I can keep the good parts of this new way and ditch the bad ones in my old ways? I think I would like that.