Having a bad time at the moment. Last year (before stroke) I had booked to go and see my son and his wife. Obviously I had to cancel it all when the stroke happened. I was forbidden to fly for 6 weeks. My son was very cross and said I could fly in 3 weeks. My specialist disagreed. I have fought hard to get everything back in working order but I get so tired, which is common and I accept it. Finally I was ready to fly. I flew out to see him and it was a total nightmare for me. I had sent them stroke information so they had time to read it. When I got there she had said to my son "Why has my father who has looked after his health all his life, got cancer and your mum who didn’t look after her health (true) just had a stroke? JUST had a stroke? As you all well know having a stroke is awful. That really upset me and the fact she said that she would go to her mothers house next time I came over. I have tried so hard to be friendly to this girl but she has pushed me away every time. I took her a present when I arrived and bought her some flowers when I left. My son did not defend me at all. When I had my stroke, he seemed to feel as though I was making excuses not to go. I just feel so weepy and down. My husband is great with me but he must be getting fed up about it because it is constantly in my mind. Advice please please pleas
Show your son and his wife this forum, maybe they might begin to understand. Or better still, take them on a tour of a stoke unit ward. Then they will see how serious your stroke was and is.
Thank you so much to replying to me. I have sent them this forum in the past but as far as I know they have not interacted with it. Thank you again for your kindness, sometimes the problems make me feel so alone xx
Welcome to the forum @cordelia I am so sorry to read your story. That must be awful for you to have to deal with that on top of recovering from a stroke.
It’s difficult for people to understand something they’ve never experienced.
I saw this picture the other day which i thought explained a brain injury quite well. Maybe show it them.
The other thing I did was write my feelings in a poem (you could write a letter). I found it helped a lot but also helped my hubby understand what I was going through.
Hope things improve soon xx
Two questions before I say anything more…Do they have children and if so, what was she like with you before children came along?
So sorry to hear this. I have also enclosed picture for you, but its no good if they will not take any interest. I have had the same with some of my family, and I have had to blank myself off, as it is so upsetting. Wonder how they would feel if it happenned to them!!!
Keep your chin up, Jane.
I love the fact that the picture sums up exactly what I am. If I made a grunt of noise as I was getting up from the settee my son would say “what am I meant to do if you make a noise? Do you do it for attention?” Thanks for answering my cry for help xx
The poetry is a brilliant idea, at least I could get my feelings out! I wrote about 120 episodes of “Lizzie” which was like a mini soap and was broadcast on radio. My hubby is brilliant but must get bored of me. The pain is almost visible if you knew me. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me xx
They do indeed have children. One of which I had never met before. I had seen her over a video call though. Yes, she was just as bad beforehand. She wanted to marry my son somewhere different and so they got married on the top of a mountain in France which was very difficult for me to climb as I have Fibromyalgia. I was really struggling and my son suggested that I waited and they would climb the rest. There was no way I was going to miss his wedding so I had to climb up and suffer. It is far too long a story to relate but I also had to get down afterwards. It was her choice to get married there and yes, she was fully aware of my health condition(s). There were steps all the way up and down but it was awful
Thank you Lorraine, It’s really kind of you to make these great suggestions. My daughter and I have talked about this and an air bnb sounds like a brilliant idea to us. I agree with the emotional bit, I find that suddenly everything hits me and I try my best not to cry but I know that is not good for me. Cold? She is like a fridge. If I wanted to hug the children I had to ask their permission and vice versa. I think it is a cultural thing but you know what it is like, you try to stick by their parenting rules and I did, It is so sterile at their house and I didn’t once see any affection between Mum and Dad. Not even a “hello darling” or hair being ruffled. He was brought up with constant love being shown and told
I don’t have children, so no advicce
but I wish you well, and that you stick with people who treat you right.
It’s hard / almost impossible for ordinary folk to appreciate what a stroke entails
youth are brash and full of confidence
I find sensitive people respect their elders
you need to protect yourself ; I would give them a miss until they grow up a bit more
good luck, Roland
Oh wow 120 episodes of a radio show. That’s amazing. Hope the poetry helps for you.
Reading your posts I can see you have some major issues with/because of the daughter in law. It’s such a shame as they’re missing out on so much but sadly some people are like that. I feel for you. xx
What is her culture, where do they live. It might be helpful for you if there is someone else on here who’s familiar with that culture
She is from Finland where no contact is preferable
Well, the poems were only about 5 minutes long to be honest. I wish she could see through my eyes just what she is missing. The first time I met her, I took her to an ice cream parlour which I had found that sold Salted Caramel Ice Cream because I knew it was her favourite. I have never stop trying to be kind to her but I think it is reaching a cut-off point xx
So sorry to hear this as it seems your daughter in law is not a very nice person in the slightest i may be wrong but wow… Heres something what happened to mr its by no means the same but i know this feeling very well… My wifes Father died of Cancer in 2015 and it devastated her anf then in 2020 i had my stroke now at 1st i seen that because it didnt do the damage it could of she basicaly denied i had 1 because her thought process was well you didnt have a bad 1 its just a little 1 it didnt kill you did it and i was mortified by that… i tried to explain i still had a stroke non the less but Cancer killed her Dad…
Your Son by all rights should of defended you… “Your his Mother” as bad as this may sound and sometimes its the only option “cut the dead wood out your life” and maybe then Your Son will see how serious you took this and how hurt it made you feel… honesty is always the best solution…pleasing her just to please your son is not an answer as does this actually please you in the long run " i doubt it doesnt". sure i need my filter cbecked at times…
Oh Cordelia how awful for you! I never knew how awful strokes were . I knew they were debilitating but not till I had one did I truly know the score! I too have had friends saying I’m fine because I can walk, albeit slowly, and talk. Luckily for me my family have been amazing and so positive. It’s me that can’t see the progress. Put her and your son onto the stroke association website. It has so many videos for them to watch. We all know that cancer is vile but so are strokes! Surround yourself wx people who do understand and I truly hope she will see for herself how hard it is for us. She’s probably terrified because of the cancer she’s having to deal with and not really thinking of the effect her harsh words are having on you. You don’t need or deserve this so keep your distance for a while. You have to concentrate on your recovery at this time. Wishing you all the best and sending all my support. Love suzywong
Cordell u and your wife not alone I have done research and wrote book.
support and understanding is a massive part of your recovery and wellbeing,
always remember people see Kindness as a weakness,
don’t let anyone get you down stand strong and positive,
this forum is superb and some real decent individuals and like you recovering from a STROKE I sincerely wish you well.
I know that first hand - my eldest brother moved to Finland after finishing uni (40 years ago) and his circle of friends and family are lovely people but go any wider then they are very cold fish!!! Despite them all getting naked in sauna every 5 minutes lol. They are a strange bunch and very different to us Brits