Braveness, stubbornness, confidence and your inner viking

I went for an eye test today. The optometrist said, ‘Do you experience flashes of light?’. I said that I did, but it only happened twice, while in the kitchen, when looking up. She didn’t respond to that but I felt my feet tingle and an uncomfortable feeling within me. She asked me if it was a regular occurrence, and I resounded that it had only happened twice. So, I started to worry.

Am I to also worry about my worry? It seems so. No one else is going to do it for me. Am I going to just keel over and die? That’s, possibly, a worry. I have every worry under the sun and I feel responsible for it. Am I responsible for my brain injury or do I need to step outside of it and see it for what it is?

So many questions. If my time was due, I would have gone. But I am still here. I cannot see properly, I cannot move properly, I am at a slight angle to the universe (Peter Cook).

So what’s left? I walk down a street. I feel as if I am going to tumble. It’s the first time I have walked down a street in over a year. I feel as if I might have a TIA or another stroke. Perhaps, luck will be against me and this might happen, but it doesn’t. The whole journey is awful. Unpleasantly, I walk past people who are just walking. Meanwhile, I am concentrating like a hawk. I am like a person crawling through the desert looking for water, and this is Wales. What is going on? Did I survive? Yes, I am here typing this. It was misery, but misery likes company, so we are all friends in the end.

I am not a warrior. I am neurotic, nervous, self-conscientious, and physically delicate. I am, however, brave. I am, however, stubborn, and I know that the worst leaders in history such as Eric Bloodaxe was a fool. A successful fool but in all respect, could not manage a tea-party in a fair and equal way. So, there’s no excuse, but I feel I need to be a little blood axe in the way I deal with stroke symptoms. I will sail back and forth from the worst of it and reassume my authority of my own body despite my brain thinking otherwise. Confidence is a huge aspect of recovery.

Be stubborn because you are only a vessel for the brain, it does need to dominate the physical, but there are ways around that. It’s trial and error. Finally, the inner viking. Most of us will have some sort of indo-euorpean slash viking background or not. This is a traveller’s axiom, the journey is more important than the destination. So, if we can improve that, things will be better in the long run. Why I say that, is because without focussing on recovery we submit to it. Perhaps, for some that is the lot but for me, I am carrying on with everything that comes with having my seat of consciousness disquieted by an injury.

I hope my little screed helps those of us who may be a little stuck in the quandary of post-stroke. I haven’ reached any real conclusions but am always warm to people responding.

Love ya all.

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Hi Rups. I know exactly how you feel. Fortunately, I have inherited a stubborn streak from my paternal genes. I totter, I stumble and sometimes feel a yard is a mile. Mind you, I am now 78 and could go at any time. Until then, I will carry on. Just off for a totter with my stick round the town cricket ground. We back on to it and have walker’s rights.

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Loved the viking reference… Know exactly how you feel Rups, but what can we do other than try to carry on. Keep up your spirit. Jane.

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Hi @Rups, Wow! that was an epic post. Sorry to hear your distressing story. I sincerely hope it turns out okay for you.

Stubbornness is a trait that can be really helpful when dealing with the many “extras” that stroke throws in.
I’ve always been a stubborn bugger but it gives me the drive to not be defeated.

Your Peter Cook reference made me smile as he was one of my absolute favourites.

Keep smiling & good luck.
Mark

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Well said Rups, that sentiment will reflect how a lot of us SS feel. So pleased to hear you’re also stubborn as that strength of character will see you through some of the more difficult aspects of being a SS.

Best wishes, take care

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Thanks Mark, this was one the toughest things I have done yet. It was such a challenge.

Hello @jane.cobley, this was the first time I had been left on my tod to navigate my way through town. It really was quite harrowing at first. Particularly, as people were noticing how cautiously I tended to walk. For me, this was a huge adventure. I suddenly realised how unprepared I am for other people just going about their business. My inner viking has to come out, and I have to brave the elements. I think I felt the entire gamut of emotions on that walk from fear to elation. I even had to cross roads where there were no lights. This I was not prepared for.

Yes @Mahoney, I suffer from the axiom, ‘once bitten, twice shy’. Normally, a walk like this would be about noticing all the different things going on around me, this walk was so internalised. I was just trying to get to the other end of each stretch, never mind appreciating the scenery. I have learned a lot from it, it sort of depresses me that I don’t feel ready yet to just explore naturally my surroundings. We’ll get there.

@John_Jeff_Maynard, thank goodness for that stubborn streak. It got me across a distance I didn’t know whether or not I would crumble at some point. The whole sensation of battling with a walk was befuddling. I sang to myself quietly as I soldiered on, I imagine people might have thought I was a bit mad.

Well done my Viking Friend!!!
Jane.

Hi

Well done for keeping going with your walk in town :partying_face:

Your post describes the feelings that I suspect so many of us have had/ have.

“Ordinary” people say to me…you look so well…looks like nothing happened……my inner voice says……”try getting to sleep at night with constant sensations :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:” “try walking” “you don’t see tears when I am alone” but we all are probably guilty of just smiling and saying thank you, (unless someone catches me in a really bad moment/mood….then they get both barrels….oops :woman_facepalming:)

Thank goodness for our brave/stubborn streaks keeping us pushing forward, achieving AMAZING goals for stroke survivors but things we simply took for granted before.

I am so glad I joined this platform as knowing others understand my frustrations is such a relief and help.

Thanks everyone :blush:

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Made me laugh! Agree though.

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@Vinylchick, I think people very take for granted their expectations of themselves. Maybe, I too, was like this before having had a stroke. I can’t take too many instructions in one day, I have to compartmentalise the things I do. Someone might say, ‘why are you huffing and puffing?’ and I tell them, I just took the washing down, packed the dishwasher, and now I’m knackered. In many respects that’s inconceivable to them. My symptoms are pretty much hidden, although I started hobbling on my walk as I was pushing myself. I have also discovered my reactions have slowed down, so this also might show to people there is an issue with my tissue.

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Hi Rups @Rups , I totally get where you’re coming from. I am the same, some days (not always) I do something seemingly very easy and simple which I wouldn’t have thought twice about BS (Before Stroke) and I’m out of breath. It must seem very strange to others, almost as if you are trying to attract sympathy.

What a strange new world for us.

At least you will get understanding from us fellow survivors :grinning:

I can remember well the first time after my stroke I crossed a main road on my own after being dropped at a stroke meeting by my wife. It seemed that traffic was fast and furious and would never stop. I waited nearly ten minutes until there was no vehicle in sight before risking it. I found that to be quite an achievement.

This is in small town New Zealand and traffic is nothing like a main road you would face in UK!

Deigh

Hello @Deigh, I was on tenterhooks because I didn’t know whether or not I could outrun a car if it were hurtling towards me, and more so, I can’t trust my vision because my visual reflexes are disorientated, so I couldn’t determine if one was about to come out of the blue. Oh, it was it was an achievement for me but I’d much rather have written a good poem :grin: Having said that, overcoming these obstacles becomes a building block for going further. I guess it is exposure therapy for us in the long run.

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Well done you.
The world has changed for us and until we adjust to that change,even little steps require effort.
I am still especially careful when crossing roads because I know that with my restricted field of vision I could miss seeing something.
12 years after my stroke I am well adapted,as you will be in time,but I well remember those first tentative steps into a changed world.
I wish you well on your journey

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Hi Rups,keep on going,it’s all we can do,everyday is a challenge but also there are so many good things to find,remember tommorrow is only a day away and it might be a better one.i hope you stay safe.Best Wishes Bernadette x

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I got through the last 8 months being angry and saying so. It started in hospital with people talking to me like I’m a toddler “ ooh aren’t we doing well would you like a drink ( of cold milky tea in a plastic mug) be careful it’s hot we wouldn’t want you dropping it” just say
Do you want a brew, be careful it’s hot.
I’m 62 not 6 I like to go to the pub… ride motorcycles and have some very scary friends I’m not stupid I’m just not working properly at the moment I don’t want you to tell me I’m so clever because I managed to get a wash
I don’t want you telling me Im be really good when I have a pee on my own.
For gods sake who trains these idiots. I’m covered in tattoos and have red hair, I have a thirst for life I’m not doing really well if I manage to turn over in bed, I need telling I’m not doing it well enough and explain how I can make it happen.
As you can no doubt tell I’m not too happy with my new life but [quote=“Rups, post:1, topic:28180, full:true”]
I went for an eye test today. The optometrist said, ‘Do you experience flashes of light?’. I said that I did, but it only happened twice, while in the kitchen, when looking up. She didn’t respond to that but I felt my feet tingle and an uncomfortable feeling within me. She asked me if it was a regular occurrence, and I resounded that it had only happened twice. So, I started to worry.

Am I to also worry about my worry? It seems so. No one else is going to do it for me. Am I going to just keel over and die? That’s, possibly, a worry. I have every worry under the sun and I feel responsible for it. Am I responsible for my brain injury or do I need to step outside of it and see it for what it is?

So many questions. If my time was due, I would have gone. But I am still here. I cannot see properly, I cannot move properly, I am at a slight angle to the universe (Peter Cook).

So what’s left? I walk down a street. I feel as if I am going to tumble. It’s the first time I have walked down a street in over a year. I feel as if I might have a TIA or another stroke. Perhaps, luck will be against me and this might happen, but it doesn’t. The whole journey is awful. Unpleasantly, I walk past people who are just walking. Meanwhile, I am concentrating like a hawk. I am like a person crawling through the desert looking for water, and this is Wales. What is going on? Did I survive? Yes, I am here typing this. It was misery, but misery likes company, so we are all friends in the end.

I am not a warrior. I am neurotic, nervous, self-conscientious, and physically delicate. I am, however, brave. I am, however, stubborn, and I know that the worst leaders in history such as Eric Bloodaxe was a fool. A successful fool but in all respect, could not manage a tea-party in a fair and equal way. So, there’s no excuse, but I feel I need to be a little blood axe in the way I deal with stroke symptoms. I will sail back and forth from the worst of it and reassume my authority of my own body despite my brain thinking otherwise. Confidence is a huge aspect of recovery.

Be stubborn because you are only a vessel for the brain, it does need to dominate the physical, but there are ways around that. It’s trial and error. Finally, the inner viking. Most of us will have some sort of indo-euorpean slash viking background or not. This is a traveller’s axiom, the journey is more important than the destination. So, if we can improve that, things will be better in the long run. Why I say that, is because without focussing on recovery we submit to it. Perhaps, for some that is the lot but for me, I am carrying on with everything that comes with having my seat of consciousness disquieted by an injury.

I hope my little screed helps those of us who may be a little stuck in the quandary of post-stroke. I haven’ reached any real conclusions but am always warm to people responding.

Love ya all.
[/quote]

I’m still fighting and I won’t tolerate being with ignorant people who talk about me like I’m not there, and being patronised by staff who have a collective in of a rabbit and can only think of their next improvement surgery. Get a life ladies.

While you can.

2 Likes

Shwmae @Lindareast, welcome to the forum, I am glad you have some fighting spirit. I can’t stand being micromanaged and, have at this time (via stroke injury) no impulse control, so I tend to call a spade a spade, and let the heavens decide the outcome. This is creating a whole lot of new and disconcerting situations I would rather do without but I am working on it.