Anger

[relaxcupcake]

Well, it happened. I got angry and said some stuff.

It’s fine, and probably maybe a bit better because I did, but we just had a rollercoaster of an hour-long discussion. And she cried more over probably having to give up her dog than upsetting me… which doesn’t surprise me (I know my mum) but it still hurts.

At a baseline showing me empathy as an adult is something she’s never really done, why should it start now?? There are SO MANY ISSUES here. I feel helpless in every direction.
We even had the “go home then, I’ll be fine” when I said I have larger concerns than my weight right now* because I’m burning through all my mental capacity looking after her. And she WON’T be fine, and she doesn’t care. But saying think of me perhaps in all this just doesn’t do anything, there’s nothing there when I say that.

I hate all of this. I wish I was a daughter who could just live with themselves and leave her to get on with it.

I’m so upset and just keep welling up. I hate this.

*It all started when she said my friend visiting on Thurs is going to notice how fat I’ve gotten. Real charmer. I don’t care about my weight (esp right now) but food/weight is a deep trigger with me&mum and it just opened a fricking maw of emotion inside me this morning.

[jane.cobley]

So sorry to hear of your problem. I know this is not easy. I have had a stroke and it altered all my perceptions of how I felt and how I resented other people. But to be fair, you are saying that your mum and you have always had problems. Before my stroke I had the same with my mum. We got her into a care home (after we could not care for her any more at home) and the nightmare got worse. Accused me of everything and it was all so difficult. I just had to ride with it (not easy) but it was the only way I got through it. Maybe speak to your GP, about some help for you. Sorry I cannot be of any more help, but just wanted to answer your message so that you know you are not alone. Take care, Jane.

[BernadetteC]

Hello there,I just thought I’d message I saw your story and feel for you,not much help I know but sometimes it s nice to know someone does care,anyway if I may,can I suggest,could you get neighbours or family to be in on this,let them know beforehand so they can help if necessary but leave your mum to her own devices for half a day/all day to see if she can cope,she might surprise you?if not she then might realise she does need you and be more grateful in future if she thinks she is going to be left again?!just an idea…I had a stroke 22 months ago at age 51 I was hurting,my life changed over night and will never be the same again but I couldn’t accept it at first so I was pretty upset and took it out on those closest to me,and even now it happens occasionally because nobody knows how it feels,I look ok and manage,back to part time work,but inside my brain is mush sometimes good days and bad days so maybe in while she will calm down a bit,can you give the stroke association near you a call they might be able to help you or put you in touch with someone,I had a weekly phone call with a lady similar to my situation which I could whinge,moan,rant ask questions to.that helped.sending you a hug,best wishes Bernadette

[Craftchick]

Hi @relaxcupcake , I think Anger is one of the most common emotions for any carer…and also those they are looking after too.

In my experience (which to be fair isn’t much - we’ve only been doing this for 21 months) it usually comes as a result of frustration on both parts. And only takes something small and unimportant to set a ball rolling.

In your case though it sounds like your Mum has hit one of your trigger points which was there before her stroke, so that will make it harder for you.

It must be so difficult as well, for you to be away from home and so distant from familiar surroundings - but maybe it will help to catch up with your friend. Having someone to talk to who is away from the situation can be useful.

Have you heard anything about your Mum’s care assessment yet ? Keep chasing if you can as being in limbo is one of the most difficult things to deal with. And also maybe see if there is a local Carers Group that you could contact. Carers UK may be able to assist with that.

It’s a really hard situation to deal with and unfortunately there are no easy answers. But if it helps…I have walked out of the room, bit my tongue, cursed and told myself I can’t do this anymore so many times…I’ve lost count. And then I try and get up the next day with a clean slate - easier said than done when you feel emotionally, physically and mentally drained. But I do the best I can - sometimes it’s enough…sometimes it’s not.

At the end of the day we are only human…and anger is a very human response to any situation we can’t control and the fear that brings. It doesn’t mean we love people any less - just that we have to refocus a bit and take some time to adjust.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, and you enjoy meeting up with your friend on Thursday.

Take care, best wishes
Karen

[MinnieB]

Hi there,
When I had my stroke the bottom dropped out of my world. I had to rely on my husband to do everything around the house (a first for him) and got very frustrated and angry when he didn’t do it like I did it. It was very unfair and I knew it was unfair and hurtful, but it was a way of dealing with the situation I’d found myself in.
Your Mum is having to go through a whole range of emotions at the moment and she will say hurtful things. You don’t say how badly affected she is. Could it be that with the assistance of Occupational Health & physiotherapy she could cope on her own?
I agree that you should speak to your GP about your situation. The pressure on you must be enormous. Good luck.